This whole taking a break situation is really f’ing with me, as anticipated. Basically, one minute my head will be clear, I’ll feel strong, confident and secure—in myself and with the status of our semi-relationship…and the next I’ll be sobbing into my (green) beer or onto my Dad’s chest in the middle of a mall food court.
I’m moving in rotations through anger (how could he do this to me), hurt (my boyfriend wants to, I mean, IS sleeping with other girls), revenge (I’m so going out tonight and hooking up with that hot guy from work/the bar/MySpace), acknowledgement (god, sometimes I really WAS hard to live with), fear (is this something we can work through or are we just prolonging the hurt), and finally some degree of rationality. I understand this is all normal but no one mentioned how much it’s going to SUCK. I really thought we could just stay together and push through the hard times, working on everything along the way. The scary part is, I’m starting to realize he was right, we definitely needed to step away and assess the situation.
Right now I am grateful for our 2-week-long no contact order, and the strength I’ve possessed in not freaking out and calling, emailing, IMing or texting him thus far. Which I can say was particularly effing paramount after the FB picture I saw of him last weekend. I know “we’re” supposed to be hanging out with other people but please, I don’t think we need to document it with couple-y pictures no matter how situational it may be. Ugh. Even this blog post is moving in circles.
So far I am blown away by the incredible people in my life that I’ve left on the backburner for so long. My relationship was literally consuming me, and in just a few short weeks I’ve both reconnected with people I’ve neglected and established amazing new friendships. Regardless of the outcome of the situation, I know I’ll be okay. I know how many great attributes I possess, and I am surrounded by people who refuse to let me ignore them, or to fail. This reassurance—combined with the insight I hope to gain from my recent half.com purchases—is what will get me through the day and make me a better person, for him or for someone else.
***Title doubles as a shout out to the shitatious performance on this week’s Idol (WTF, Brooke, WTF) and the equally shitatious IN weather as of late.***
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1 comment:
I just found your blog through 20somethings and so far i love it! but thats besides the point. This post--I can really relate to. I don't know how many "relationships" I've been through that have me spend more time crying into my martinis (I don't like beer) or on my friends shoulders than actually smiling/laughing/happy. You'll do whats best for you, you seem like a very strong, smart woman so I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.
Hope you had a good weekend!
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