How quickly we forget...

I gave myself some really good advice last night.

Apparently this is not my first life crisis. When I was a freshman in college I compiled a college of poetry, song lyrics and my thoughts on them about my transition leaving home for the first time.

When I cracked open the binder last night the accuracy of the words, my words, from six years ago echoed in my head. How is it I have now found myself in a completely parallel situation to the one I faced prior to my college experience?

I am now an "adult," I've been living on my own and making my own decisions for a few years now. Yet, I still find myself reeling from the loss of a relationship that had previously consumed my life. While it's easy for me to internalize this phenomenon, and say I just got too 'involved' or I should've maintained more of an individual life outside of it--I know it's just not that simple.

For me at least, the entangling of two lives is part of what makes a relationship great. In high school, First Love was the perfect partner in crime, and I could count on him for anything. I can say the same for J, only to a stronger extent because we shared everything. We had the same group of friends, we spent time alone, and we spent time with our families.

As I read through the aftermath of my previous situation, I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible to do it any other way.

In order to experience great love, must we always subject ourselves to great heartaches?

Prayer--Bill Cattey

Help me talk myself out of:
Feeling depressed because nobody is there:
To listen.
To touch.
To lick.
To like.
To love.

Help me to confront:
I feel threatened
By what someone did.

I feel stressed
By what I failed to do.

I feel anxious
By what I might do wrong.

I feel:
rejection.
disappointment.
misunderstood.
unheard.
ignored.

I feel terribly terribly alone.

Help me muster strength:
Open up a bit of vulnerability
And share my feelings.
Risk disappointment
And reach out to someone.

Help me break free of paralysis:
over fear of losing what I have.
over failures in spite of best efforts.
over the apparent lack of meaning:
in my work.
in my life.

Help me make new habits:
Manifest:
strength and sensitivity.
confidence and humility.
vulnerability and self control.
Listen to:
rejection and find better matches.
positive comments and accept them.
negative comments and act on them with balance.
Live for myself with concern for others.

Help me make a life I love.

New things that make me prrrr.

It's time to focus on the positive. Low point = over. Here are all the kick-ass things making me happy right now :)

*FREE Dave Matthews/Tim Reynolds tickets for this weekend courtesy of Barack Obama. (Now that is some sweeeet campaigning.)

*Sun and warm(er) temperatures

*The new party dress I'm wearing to M's Bday party on Saturday.

With cute little espadrilles and a chunky turquiose necklace :) Watch out boys.

*Going to tapas and drinking pitchers and pitchers of sangria w/ my amazing friends this weekend.

*Finding out the Orlando Magic dancers were voted the fugliest in the NBA (it will all make sense later--promise)!

*Phone calls from cute boys with buzz cuts.

*NFL cheerleading practice

*Not having to care Ex-J is going to a bachelor party this weekend.

*Vickie's gift cards...oh the possibilities

*New hair color/cut/style next Tuesday at salon of said NFL cheerleaders :)

*Making out on the kitchen counter.

*Yael Naim-"New Soul" (The song from the Mac Air commercials)

*Endless possibilities

*The rabbit--ps, love.

*Helping Little Sis pick out the prrrrfect dress for her Senior Prom!!

*My rearranged bedroom, clean apartment, open windows, ceiling fan and Sunwashed Linen candles.

*The perfect birthday bikinis I bought for my friends. Everyone needs a new bikini!

*The cute girl in my bed every night :

*Did I mention I'm seeing Dave on Sunday for freeeeeee? Ahhhhhhhh.

The words I can't find on my own...

I'm not even going to attempt to write today. Instead I 've decided to let my playlist speak for me.

I guess you got what you wanted, but what about me.

Taylor Swift “A Perfectly Good Heart”

“Maybe I should've seen the signs,
should've read the writing on the wall.
And realized by the distance in your eyes
that I would be the one to fall.
No matter what you say,
I still can't believe
That you would walk away.”


Sister Hazel “Best I’ll Ever Be”

“So I wait and I wait
And I run old scenes through my tired head
Of the days we laid by the school and said forever
Was that the best I'll ever be.”


Carrie Underwood “So Small”

“What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small.”


Mat Kearney “Crashing Down”

“What am I doing here
If you're not with me?
What have I got to live for,
if it's just my own dream
Take it back to the beginning,
back to the start
When gravity's pulling,
you're still holding my heart
You come crashing down.”


Goo Goo Dolls “Feel the Silence“

“And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain.”


Citizen Cope “Hurricane Waters”

“I will carry you through the hurricane waters
And I'll remember you in the blue skies
Until we meet again
Until it's like it was
Until the answers start raining down
Until the skies open up until the trumpet starts
Until the city and the county ain't divided
Until the spirit and the mind ain't fighting
Until the scenes of tomorrow and today finally play.”


Michelle Branch “Goodbye to You”

“I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to…”


The Wreckers “Leave the Pieces”

“You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go.”


Something Coporate “I Won’t Make You”

“I'm under attack again my dear
I'm in the way
Got no resolutions,
no clever anecdotes to say
And still if i yell at the top of my lungs,
will it be the same I'd fly you a flag,
I'd bury this pen into my veins

I wanna feel through you tonight,
but I wont make you,
No, I wont make you.”


The Fray “All at Once”

“Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come.”


Damien Rice “Lonelily”

“I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold
In a way I lost all I believed in
And I never found myself so low
And you let me down
You could've called if you'd needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead
And you let me down
It's one thing being cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed.”


Something Corporate “Hurricane (Weather Patterns)”

“So, Don't Say "These currents are still killing me"
and you can't explain
how the wind went and pulled you into your hurricane.
Stand up don't make a sound, your ears might bleed.
There are sweet fluorescent enemies
that live inside of me.
The world moves faster than I knew,
not fast enough to not creep up on you
and the space we put between.
So pull me under your weather patterns,
your cold fronts and the rain don't matter,
because a sun burns what I needed.”


Seether featuring Amy Lee “Broken”

“The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away.”


Dave Matthews “Dreamgirl”

“You’re like my best friend
and after a good, good drunk
You and me wake up
and make love after a deep sleep
Where I was Dreamin’,
I was Dreamin’ of a Dreamgirl,
Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl, Dreamgirl

Caught by a wave
my back to the ocean
it knocks me off my feet and
just as I find my footing
here you come again.”


Damien Rice “Green Eyes”

“Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I came here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes,
you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you
must be out of their mind
Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know,
that I could never go on without you.”


Gavin DeGraw “Just Friends”

“I've had other options too
But all I want is you
Girl, your body fits me like a glove
And you showered me with words of love
While you were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better from his fingers in your hair
I'll forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one.

It's not my style to lay it on the line
But you don't leave me with a choice this time.”


Mat Kearney “Breathe In Breathe Out”

“Hold on hold tight,
From out of your sight,
If everything keeps moving on,
moving on,
Hold on hold tight,
Make it through another night,
& everyday there comes a song with the dawn,
We push and pull and I fall down sometimes,
I'm not letting go,
You hold the other line.”


David Gray “Best I Ever Had”

“And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed awayInto a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had.”


Blake Shelton “Austin”

“If you're callin' 'bout my heart
It's still yours
I should've listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have taken me so long
to know where I belong

And by the way, boy,
this is no machine you're talkin' to
Can't you tell, this is Austin,
and I still love youI still love you.”


Goo Goo Dolls “Before It’s Too Late”

“I wondered through fiction
to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
And I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And hold on before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives.”


Dixie Chicks “Without You”

“Well I never thought I'd be
Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me that
The life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy
Making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted
But what about me cause

Without you I’m not okay
And without youI’ve lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place ooh
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart
That I’m better off without you.”


Vertical Horizon “Barely Breathing”

“I know what you’re doing,
see it all to clear
I only taste the saline
when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going,
wishing on a star
But the black holes that surround you
are heavier by far I believed in your confusion,
you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday
was the day that I was born

There’s not much to examine,
there’s nothing left to hide
You really can’t be serious
if you have to ask me why.”


Finley Quaye “Dice”

“I was crying over you
I am smiling, I think of you
Where your gardens have no walls
Breathe in the air if you care,
you compare, don't say farewell

Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice
and swear your love's for me.”


The Fray “She Is”

“Do not get me wrong I cannot wait for you to come home
For now you're not here and I'm not there,
it's like we're on our own
To figure it out, consider how to find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and instead of nowhere to land

This is going to break me clean in two
This is going to bring me close to you

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

It's all up in the air and we stand still to see what comes back down
I don't know where it is, I don't know when, but I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I, we go from if to when
Your side and mine are both behind it's indication

This is going to bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me.”


Snow Patrol “Open Your Eyes”

“Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere

I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine
Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you.”



These songs give me the comfort of knowing I am not alone. Someone else has known the pain of a heart break, and lived to write music about it. For that, I am grateful.

Funnies and Bunnies

Oh Friday.

I was up much too late last night (4am) doing things I’m not proud of, so most of today has been allocated to sending someecards to my lucky friends and co-workers.

Actually, this one pretty much sums it up:

Enough with the ecards you say? Fine, if I have to. In approximately 1.5 hrs I will be free for the weekend and I just can’t decide what to do first. I REAALLLLY need to shower off the bar, work out, and sleep.

But first thing’s first—I’m buying a rabbit. No not that rabbit, this rabbit:

See, there’s a someecard for everything! :)

My girlfriends S and M (ha, how inappropriately appropriate) have clued me into the fact that it is a part of the Single Girl Survival Kit I’m lacking. I’ve got the wine, emotionally available men I’m uninterested in, emotionally unavailable man I AM interested in and cute pet to keep me company but so far I haven’t adjusted to missing that one oh-so-amazing part of my relationship.

My mind is occupied, but, yeah, you get it. Since I’m not a one-night-stand kind of girl, and honestly why is anyone? Everyone knows first time sex isn’t that great! It takes a few times to get it right with a new person, duh. Anyway, since I’m not and since I’ve heard such incredible things about everyone’s favorite electronic I’m hopping (ha) on the bunny bandwagon and adding to the bag of fun tucked away in the back of my closet.

Seriously what’s the deal with hypersexualizing (disclaimer: prob not a word) the poor bunny? Playboy, sex toys, probably other things if my head wasn’t still as foggy as my recollection of last night…I don’t really see the bunny as a particularly sexy creature, but apparently it is.

Okay, this is going nowhere! Wish me luck and feel free to share your own Rabbit success stories.


And, finally:

Everything I tell you!

“Be careful driving back hunny, and start eating.”

Enough about boys. I’ve also been focusing on another important aspect of my life lately, my health! On the plane to France, I read Skinny Bitch, and let me tell you, I could not put it down.

At first I was super-skeptical about a lot of the information (of lack thereof) included in the book. There seemed to be tons of unsupported statements meant to be taken as fact, and that just doesn’t fly with me. However, coming from someone who has taken one-too-many-detailed biology courses, I appreciate when someone else does my research for me. After checking out the sources the authors include for their seemingly rash statements, viola, I discovered they had done just that.

While I still won’t take all of their research to heart—much of it is really biased—a lot of it just seemed to reinforce diet behaviors I already practice. I’ve never really liked eating meat, but I did it to please everyone around me. I hated being the annoying guest who was labeled as the picky eater, and got sick of my grandma bothering me about not eating enough on holidays. Well, 14 years later, I’ve decided it’s time to stop trying to appease everyone else and actually be accountable to the one thing that matters, MY BODY!

I didn’t realize the authors were vegan at the time I started reading the book, or I may have dismissed it completely. I’m really glad I didn’t though, because it helped me to actually *think* about the things I consume (why was a putting another species breast milk on my cereal-ew) and to question the marketing and recommendations set forth by our government.

Basically, the jist is I’ve had no meat, fish, cheese, milk, eggs, or coffee for three weeks now. “So what are you eating,” my family asked, well duh, everything else! It’s surprisingly really easy, and I can honestly say I haven’t been hungry or felt limited at all. I love fruits and veggies, and anything Kashi makes. If it was really limiting, or made me feel bad, I would’ve given it up a long time ago. I’ve even had enough energy for productive workouts every day, and actually felt rested in the mornings instead of being a grump for the first 3 hours I’m awake and pounding coffee at my desk.

Since I’ve been feeling so great, I decided to make it a family affair! That’s right, baby Gwen will be losing her FUPA very soon. I picked up some weight control Purina last night to help her along (don’t worry, I got her some treats and a new toy too).



It’s really not her fault she got so pudgy. While I was on vacation she stayed w/ her grandparents. I knew she definitely gained a few in the process, but I couldn’t figure out why she kept following me around and begging the first few days she was back.

I called my parent’s house to see if they were giving her a special treat or something I needed to go buy, and dad told me no, she was probably just starved for attention. Five minutes later mom calls me back:

“Um, hunny, dad said Gwen acting like she wants something.”

“Yeah, mom she is, do you know why?”

“Well, it may be because I was giving her tiny little pieces of beef jerky every few days.”

Translation: my cat had probably consumed an entire bag of beef jerky by herself over a 3 week period. My mom is notorious for underestimating her own damage. Is it a global phenomenon for moms and grammas to try to fatten you up? Or is it just mine?

*Sigh.*

Symbolism of a Sun Burn

Two weeks ago I got burnt, both literally and figuratively.

I arrived at Clearwater Beach with two of my girlfriends, after a bittersweet 16-hr car ride. Bittersweet since I spent the majority of our day of departure negotiating my relationship with J. I had already been away for two weeks, traveling in Paris, and lingering doubts and issues had crept in and shattered our world. He wanted time apart, I refused to see the purpose. I said all or nothing. He picked all.

It was breezy and 60 degrees at the beach but, true to form, we decided to go for it. We put on our bikinis in the car in the parking lot, giggling and trying to retain as much dignity as possible, as the parking lot attendant attempted to sneak a peek. It was necessary to cover up with pants and sweatshirts, and we decided, a liquid blanket as well. We hit the nearest seafood restaurant/bar and employed two rounds of beer, a SoCo lime shot, an Irish car bomb, a lemondrop shot, and one frozen mojito to keep us warm. Drunk and carefree, we hit the beach for an impromptu photoshoot, some drunk dialing, and a hardcore pass-out after getting no sleep the night before.

I awoke 2 hrs later, freezing again, and we grabbed our sweats, bags, and towels and ran back to the car. I realized immediately the back of my legs were on fire. Well, of course they were! My skin has seen nothing but some Mystic spray tans in over six months, but I found it acceptable to spend hours in the Florida sun with no sunscreen? Idiot.

The next few days I simultaneously realized both burns were much deeper than I originally thought. Even though the lidocane-laced aloe was supposed to be relieving my physical pain, and J choosing the band-aid of “let’s keep working on it” should’ve reassured my mind, neither were working. The damage was done.

A week ago I started peeling, both literally and figuratively.

The shedding of damaged skin, and damaged feelings began the moment I arrived home. My apartment, left unattended for 3 ½ weeks, depicted the chaos evident in my life. Pictures from better days stared at me from every angle of the rooms, clothes and shoes and souvenirs from vacation covered every surface, men’s underwear and cologne and hair products reminded me of the extent to which our lives were entangled.

Without detailing the events of the next 3 days, it’s simple to summarize by saying I hit rock bottom. I was shaken to the core, of my relationship, of my body, and of my soul. And then, I got up. I was pulled up, by my family, my friends, and my unwavering inner strength.

I began to exfoliate, both in the shower and out. I removed the pictures from sight. I did laundry. I replaced the two towels in my bathroom with one. I went grocery shopping, but didn’t buy the meat I don’t eat, his favorite chips or the breakfast sandwiches for his early drives back to school. I went to the gym and awakened an appreciation for the things my body is capable of if I give it the chance. I stood in front of the mirror, naked, and questioned how he could give it up. I reclaimed my life.

Two weeks has passed, and only a fraction of the damage remains. Burns are never pleasant, but as an extremist, I appreciate the irony of the situation. I never would’ve budged until I was pushed, and I never would’ve considered my own personal desires until I was left with nothing but them alone. No matter the outcome, I’ve gained a sense of awareness—of the sun, and of myself.

“Pull me under your weather patterns
Your cold fronts and the rain don’t matter,
‘Cause a sun burn is what I needed.” ~Something Corporate, Hurricane

Why can't we be friends?

photo credit: Jupiter Images

I suck at being single. Last night was the only night this week I had no obligations after work…no practices, no 2nd job, no plans with friends. I thought it would be the perfect time to work out, do laundry, clean my apartment I’ve neglected for a month, you know. At 4:30 I got a text from a guy I work with at the sports bar, whom I occasionally flirt with and actively avoid when I’m drunk for the sake of my relationship. Let’s just call him Jesse Metcalf, bc yeah, that’s his twin, obnoxious eyebrows and all.

During my first day of training my supervisor told me Jesse had immediately asked about me, and said I was the “hottest girl he’d ever seen in Indiana.” Silly, but flattering I guess. I didn’t really pay much attention to him, but as I got to know him better I discovered he is a really great guy. We hang out, and he came to be friends with J since we all worked together over the summer. People would actually even ask if he and J were related since they had such similar features. (Disclaimer—J is 20x hotter and more of a catch than this guy. But they both have dark shaved heads, tan skin, dark eyes, and big smiles.) Everyone at work came to know that Jesse had a ridiculous crush on me, and always joked about J and Jesse “trading places” on me when I’m drunk.

One hungover morning I actually did wake up in bed BETWEEN J and Jesse, and it may have been the most surreal moment of my life. Before you freak out it was definitely not as pornographic as you (or I) are probably thinking (hoping? :)). Jesse had originally passed out in my living room, on the futon with another girl he was seeing at the time. Waking up—blacked out—to go to the bathroom, made a wrong turn into the bedroom. He proceeded to, you guessed it, pee in J’s closet and then got into bed with US instead of going back to the futon. Ahhhhhhhh. I’m only glad it was his closet and not mine. And before you feel too bad for Jesse, he did kind of owe me one. I threw up in his rental car after my office Holiday party just a few months before this incident. :)

So there is a taste of the relationship, interest was obvious on his part, debatably existent on mine, and a complete understanding that it would never lead to anything between us. Until my boyfriend decided to show his ass, that is. In an attempt to exploit the terms of our break, and keep my mind from wandering to J taking body shots off some girl in the romantic glow of a black light, I called Jesse on my first night out as a “free” woman last week. He was happy to rebound for me and we hit the bars with my girlfriends. We ended up back at my place late night and things got interesting. We do the makeout thing, and it’s fun and he’s telling me how hot I am, and I’m thinking it’s just what I need to keep my mind off the situation. Then I notice he’s being a little shaky, and breathing really fast. Ohhhh, great, not one of THOSE guys. I decide to joke around with him so he’ll loosen up, and I ask if he’s okay. Instead of a joke in return I get “Ash you have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” So my hope for a no-strings-attached gets thrown out the window.

He sent me a text yesterday to see if I wanted to go to the movies. In all honesty cleaning and playing fetch with my cat sounded like a more fulfilling evening, but J wanted us to date other people, so in a be-careful-what-you-wish-for mindset I decided to go for it. When Jesse arrived, looking cute, and most definitely date-appropriate, we checked out the reviews (all terrible) and decided to stay at my place and watch a DVD instead. It was fun, with no signs of awkwardness, and then…..he went home. Feeling a little WTF about the situation (enhanced no doubt by my 2.5 glasses of Cab) I sent him a text: “so we only make out when we’re drunk huh?” And true to form for buzzed, irrational texting, I got back way more than I bargained for in the form of:

“No not at all…you know you’re the only girl I’ve really liked since I’ve moved here…but the reason I couldn’t do what I wanted to do to you the other night is bc of the fact that I like you that much and respect you a lot…and I know you’re still going through shit…and I told myself I’d rather have you when you’re completely there…that’s all.”

Eeeeeeeeeeeks. I think I need to throw in the dating towel. How is it possible the only man in my life I actually want to date, i.e. my boyfriend, is the only one who isn’t trying to get relationshippy on me?!

Why don’t you go back to your double-wide and fry something.

Sweet Home Indiana. As per usual, I had a ridiculously entertaining holiday weekend. I never really know what kind of trouble I’m going to get into when I enter Small Town, USA, but it usually consists of a water-down version of my high school antics. This Easter was no exception.

It was great to get home and see my family, who’ve been nothing short of exceptional since my split from J. As I walked in the door I see a pic of me with my high school boyfriend staring at me from the refrigerator, and I know my dad is up to no good. I take it down and throw it at him before I hug him. I know what he was insinuating though, and it was a point well made. After ending things with that ex, whom I’ll call First Love, or FL for the bloggy world, I was really unsure I would ever love anyone, or find anyone else to love me to that extent, ever again. It completely crushed him, and really took me a long time to see the reasons we weren’t right for each other, although I knew them at some level when I broke up with him. When I started dating J it was the most refreshing feeling because he gave me so many things I wasn’t getting in my last relationship.

Moving on…so when FL texts me to let me know he’s in town, and interested in grabbing some margaritas, my entire fam decides we’re up for the reunion. As I’m getting out of my car at El Reparo, our regular supplier of all things Mexican goodness, I see a group of 5 guys from high school. I’m greeted as “Firstname*fuckin’*Lastname” and huge hugs from all of them. We were never really close, but spent our share of nights wasted and naked in hot tubs together (have I mentioned how crazy my senior year was?). So we get inside to find FL at the table with our first round, and he’s looking exactly like he does in every memory I have of him. The boy NEVER changes (he had on shoes he’s owned since sophomore year—no joke). I realize this is one thing I will always appreciate about him. He is consistent, and he is true to himself. He always knows exactly how he feels, and doesn’t hold anything back. So we start our journey down memory lane, which goes a little something like: “remember when you saw my mom in her bra on Easter,” “remember when we got arrested—twice,” “remember when you broke up with me via TEXT MESSAGE.” After we shut down the restaurant, Little Sis gets put in charge of DD duties. He tried to get me to go back to his house “You can sleep on my pull-out, I’ll sleep on my pull-out, I promise not to touch you!” At which time I decided the bar was a much safer option.

At this point I will need to reference the scene of Reese Witherspoon returning to her hometown in Alabama, because I can think of no more accurate a description. There was everything but the baby…in a bar. It ended up being loads of fun, and I rekindled some old friendships and enemy-ships alike. This is a post in itself, but I no longer keep in touch with my high school girlfriends, so I was elated to hang out with one of them and realize after all the time that has passed, nothing had changed between us. We ran from the dive bar, to a beach-themed bar down the street and the fun really began. We decided to attempt to score free drinks/shots, “But only from people we don’t know, since everyone else knows you’re married and I’m a bitch”. The plan worked exceptionally well—four shots of Patron, 2 Coronas and 2 of whatever her husband was drinking. I forgot how unassuming country boys are and appreciated being asked “could I trouble you for a dance later” and best of all “let me know if you need anything else”!!!! Why can’t they put boys like this in the city?!

So the night was progressing reasonably well, and FL was telling me about his girlfriend moving out after 1.5 years (because he wasn’t “religious” enough) to which to told him she was never good enough for him and he should’ve kicked her out long before then (completely true). Then I started to get him up to date on my life, the boys involved and the boys not involved…and somewhere in the mix I must’ve pissed him off because the next thing I know he’s in my face telling me to “get over myself” and asking “who do you think you are”?!? WTF. Clearly something I said offended him, combined with the fact that I wasn’t hanging on his every word or returning his more-than-friendly vibe. I start crying in the bar, mostly b/c I’m on emotion overload at the point in time, and getting called out by my ex-ex-ex bf is something I just didn’t need. So I call dad, who is more than happy to pick me up, ignore calls and texts from FL, and head home.

Glad that the crisis is averted, I changed into PJs and spent the next 2 hrs on the exercise machine in the basement pouring my heart out and talking my dad’s ear off. At 3am I proceeded upstairs to get in bed with and wake up little sis, who made it very clear she wasn’t in the mood for drunken conversation. Teenagers. :)

I spent Easter with my phone off, napping, eating and movie watching for the rest of the day. Conventional it was not…but typical? Oh god yes.

***Update, lunchtime conversation with FL has shed some light on the situation. Apparently, he was taking my words personally, because he was drunk…and the situation had NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. We’re going to continue to work on the friends thing, but I’m not sure he’ll ever really be able to handle it—or me.***

Was she worth this...

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong
You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go
You should've know that word, bout what you did with her
Would get back to me...
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind
I shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying
And baby you know all the right things: to say
But do you honestly expect me to believe
We could ever be the same...
You say that the past is the past, you need one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go
You should've know that word, bout what you did with her
Would get back to me...
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind
I shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

I can't resist... before you go, tell me this
Was it worth it...
Was she worth this...
No... no no no...

~Taylor Swift, Should've Said No

Here comes the sun, do do do do.

This whole taking a break situation is really f’ing with me, as anticipated. Basically, one minute my head will be clear, I’ll feel strong, confident and secure—in myself and with the status of our semi-relationship…and the next I’ll be sobbing into my (green) beer or onto my Dad’s chest in the middle of a mall food court.

I’m moving in rotations through anger (how could he do this to me), hurt (my boyfriend wants to, I mean, IS sleeping with other girls), revenge (I’m so going out tonight and hooking up with that hot guy from work/the bar/MySpace), acknowledgement (god, sometimes I really WAS hard to live with), fear (is this something we can work through or are we just prolonging the hurt), and finally some degree of rationality. I understand this is all normal but no one mentioned how much it’s going to SUCK. I really thought we could just stay together and push through the hard times, working on everything along the way. The scary part is, I’m starting to realize he was right, we definitely needed to step away and assess the situation.

Right now I am grateful for our 2-week-long no contact order, and the strength I’ve possessed in not freaking out and calling, emailing, IMing or texting him thus far. Which I can say was particularly effing paramount after the FB picture I saw of him last weekend. I know “we’re” supposed to be hanging out with other people but please, I don’t think we need to document it with couple-y pictures no matter how situational it may be. Ugh. Even this blog post is moving in circles.

So far I am blown away by the incredible people in my life that I’ve left on the backburner for so long. My relationship was literally consuming me, and in just a few short weeks I’ve both reconnected with people I’ve neglected and established amazing new friendships. Regardless of the outcome of the situation, I know I’ll be okay. I know how many great attributes I possess, and I am surrounded by people who refuse to let me ignore them, or to fail. This reassurance—combined with the insight I hope to gain from my recent half.com purchases—is what will get me through the day and make me a better person, for him or for someone else.

***Title doubles as a shout out to the shitatious performance on this week’s Idol (WTF, Brooke, WTF) and the equally shitatious IN weather as of late.***

You just like to Play.

You play football and you play school.
You play frat boy and you play athlete.
You play son and brother and stepbrother and stepson.
You love to play board games and beer pong.

When you play you encompass the wonder and energy of a child and the drive and determination of an adult. I loved to watch you play.

I played the hot older woman and the interesting distraction.
I played caregiver and pseudo-mother.
I played seductress and I played provider.
I played secretary and I played with your penis.

When I’m with you my instincts take over to love and protect what is mine. I tried to be everything you could ever want me to be, not because you asked, but because I wanted to keep you.

You played monogamous and you played with my head.
You played best friend and you played protector.
You played lover and you played cat-dad.
You played with my heart and you played in my bed.

When you were with me, you were with me. The problem became when I wasn’t. Why was I not enough for you? Why are you not content with the things you know are good?

I played instigator and I played compromiser.
I played oblivious and I played therapist.
I played detective and I played the victim.
I played strong and I played crushed.

When I saw her in your bed I knew you were gone. You broke the rules and you ended the game. For you I’ll become one of many. For me you’ll be a lesson.

We played. So why isn’t it fun?

Prrr.

In order of the schmoopiest day of the year, here is what's keeping me sane these days:

In bed, before sleep conversation.

Me: Baby...if we broke up what would you miss the most.
J: Easy, the loving.


I love love. Really, everything about it. Friend love, family love, boyfriend love, sister love, kitty love, you name it. The trials and tribulations of life seem so completely miniscule compared to the heart-warming feeling you get from the relationships that make you, you.

Tell someone you love them today, I know I will. :)

Hair Therapy.

I’ve been obsessive about hair for pretty much as long as I can remember. I spent a lot of time at the salon with my mom growing up, so this is basically her fault. I would sit at the manicure station and paint my nails, then paint my sister’s too. Don’t get me wrong, my mom wasn’t one of those crazy ladies who let their 9-year-old daughter get acrylics and fake lashes, she let me start experimenting with hair and make-up on an age appropriate basis. But once I started, oh my…there has been no stopping me.

I’ve had a number of “hair crushes,” you know, when you see a girl that has absolutely amazing hair, and you just have to make it yours? The first time was the summer before 6th grade, at the salon with my mom. There was a high school girl there getting her thin, shiny, white-blonde hair cut into a bob. I suddenly loathed my dirty blonde, parted down the middle, half-way down the back hair. I spent the rest of the summer dreaming up my first day back to school look. White shorts, a light pink tee and a short, bouncy, blonde bob. Of course when I left the salon I had a less shiny, less bouncy, darker version of the cut, but I was still satisfied.

I loved going and getting curled and painted and make-uped before dancing at football and basketball games or dances. I hit the tanning bed like it was my job. I got my first fake nails during my sophomore year and I didn’t take them off until college. While I now recognize some of these behaviors as completely Midwestern (ok and tanning as SO DANGEROUS AND STUPID!) I realize those were my highs. Who doesn’t love looking good? No one!

In college my love for all things high-maintenance was only intensified after meeting my BFF. She taught me the wonders of OPI’s Kabuki Queen and I showed her the perfect technique for ringlet curls w/ a HotTools iron. Friday night protocol became nap, dinner, shower and 2+ hrs of drinking and getting ready. We spent hours choosing outfits, hairstyles, brightly colored eye shadow and shoes. Those are some of the times I miss most about college—pulling out the handles of pre-mixed margaritas, flavored vodka or w/e we had stashed away in the closet and spending the next few hours making predictions about the night, laughing, and *flamingoing to find the perfect shoe.

Since I’ve moved into my own apartment, it’s impossible to re-create this ritual. I still look to my hair to pick me up when I’m feeling down, or boring, or just in a slump though. After the stress of the last few weeks became too much to handle, I left work early and hit the salon yesterday.

Fresh hair, fresh start—here’s to hoping! Let’s get this weekend started. J


*Do you guys flamingo? You know, when you put on one of each from the potential pairs of shoes the lift one leg at a time to get the full effect? You know you do.

all I've got.

My heart hurts today so this is it:

“When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”-Carrie

Shoes don't stretch...

…and men. don’t. change. Maybe I’m being a hypocrite, but right now I’m too pissed off to think so. I’ve done my share of repeat-offenses (and have the record to prove it—eek).

I’m at my wits end. I understand in relationships you have to compromise. But when it comes down to it, the person you started dating is the person you’ll always be dating.

I guess the defining factor is how much you’re willing to put up with, and how much the character flaws bother you.

And now it’s for me to decide.

Covering the basics...I need, I want, I buy.

(Brought to you by the unveiling of the Macbook Air...thanks again, Steve Jobs.)

Necessities can be a very subjective topic. Something seemingly crucial to me may be categorized as a frivolous purchase to my neighbor. I’ve been thinking about needs versus wants a lot lately as I prepare to start budgeting for law school and other lifestyle changes as J graduates from college and we move in together.

Usually my stream of consciousness goes something like this, “I NEED new jeans, I WANT William Rasts. William Rasts are $220 on the website and at Nordstrom. But if I buy them on eBay I can save $100, and I still get my high-quality designer denim and don’t have to settle for $80 Abercrombie jeans that will last half as long.” I try not to sacrifice my brand loyalty whenever possible. This is because I prefer to pay more up front for a product I know and trust, particularly when a warranty or buyer protection is involved. For this reason, I love my AmEx card, Costco, Apple, and eBay, for offering buyer-satisfaction guarantees, and ensuring I will be happy or reimbursed for my purchase. I can also trust the quality products to perform well and pass the test of time. I have been cutting back on purchases that don’t really affect my daily life. I love Starbucks, but not enough to spend $5/day on it. I would rather spend $6 on a huge container of coffee at Sam’s Club, and allocate the savings to another area of my life. So while I may invest in a sweet computer, HDtv, vacation or lip gloss, my retirement and savings accounts aren’t suffering, and I’m not just racking it up on a credit card making minimum payments as I go.

I believe it’s important to sacrifice in certain areas to be able to enjoy the things that truly bring you happiness or comfort. This is all swell if you have the luxury of discretionary money period. As I grow I’m beginning to realize many people have NO “fun money” to speak of. Or, more likely, is they do, they just spend it in ineffective ways. Medical bills, student loans, credit cards or other high-interest loans prevent a lot of people from ever keeping up with their debts or learning how to live within their means. Financial hardships prevent people from getting ahead, usually because they never learn to stop making the mistakes that got them into the situation in the first place.

So many stressful money situations can be avoided if we all start thinking before we spend. For me, the hardest part is removing myself from opportunities to spend money. Ideally, I should never make a purchase that isn’t premeditated, whether it’s a pack of gum or new bedsheets. I’m going to try to facilitate this mindset by getting back to the basics. There are relatively few things I actually NEED.

Physical needs: Food, clothing, shelter, medical care, exercise, sex.
Emotional needs: Social interaction, connection to family, romance (yes, I need it!)
Developmental needs: Intellectual stimulation (soon to be in the form of CLASS again), personal growth, new experiences, giving to others/volunteering.

Outside of those things, I justify purchases based on their accordance with other values. Health and beauty are important to me (obvi, for most girls), as are comfort and organization. So when I find a product that I can’t live without in these categories, I’m usually hooked bc I know it will fulfill a need and maybe simplify my life a little.

Thinking about this could inspire a “Top 20 purchases” post. How about you, what can’t you live without?

Go Time.

In an attempt to increase the cohesion and frequency of my blog postings, I decided I had better first spend some time reading other blogs. I have found SO many types of blogs I love…travel blogs, 20-something blogs, diet blogs, finance blogs, enough blogs to occupy the majority of my work day if I let them!

As a major motivator, I will be starting law school in the evenings, beginning in July. This means homegirl has REALLY got to crack down on the writing skills. I think reading and writing in the blog world should help me to get back in the habit of writing, spur (hopefully) a little creativity, and also help me to vent some daily frustrations. I look forward to the possibility of using my blog as a tracking device for happenings in my life as well.

A full-time work day at the law office and evening classes 5 days a week also means that Really-Not-A-Waitress really WON’T be a waitress anymore, which is perhaps the biggest motivator of all. As much as I tell myself I despise waitressing, I still have mixed emotions about losing my source of instant cash flow. It’s nice to have the reassurance of being able to go in anytime and pick up a shift if I need extra money, or a pair of new shoes. Obviously getting a JD is a much better way to spend my spare time. Lest I forget, here are some other reasons I won’t miss the service industry:

-The b*tch who had the audacity to tip me $5 on $78 and write “very nice” on the receipt after she watched me bust my ass with 9 (literally, 9) other tables and make her 22-yr-old son a freaking peanut butter milkshake TO GO.

-Working 8-6 at the firm, then 7-2am at the bar…long day doesn’t quite cover it.

-not having a spare hour to work out or grab a beer w/ friends

-getting snapped or whistled at

-never knowing if my manager is going to ignore my requests and schedule me w/ conflicts

-being treated like a waitress, period.